Saturday, August 14, 2010

To the Unfailing Love of My Ever Present Father

I was walking down a path the other day, thinking about life as usual. I thought about love, and about how much I desired to be loved, to have the attention of this guy... well, that's enough details on those thoughts for now. Anyways, I just suddenly sighed and was like, "God, this is so silly. I should be pursuing you alone. Show me how you love me."

Suddenly, I was filled with this inexplicable, tear-wrenching feeling of warmth, tenderness, and love that left me gasping for air. The sun shone even brighter than I remember and the wind blew through my hair, and my eyes just started to water out of the immensity of the feelings that were pulsing through my body. Never before have I felt such an intense feeling of love, I felt... complete. As if God was holding me in his hand, I felt so small, but so safe and so accepted. I knew that I was not perfect, that I was weak and little and so undeserving, but that God saw me and loved me with an intensity for which there are no words. It was... awe some. And I mean it just like that. I was filled with awe at this ever so strange but incredible moment in time, where God actually looked at me and smiled... wow.

And here comes my second confession. I've been struggling with nightmares lately. I've been getting them all the time, almost every night and they really scare me. I wake up with this feeling of fear and that there is some kind of evil presence in the room. Sometimes, I have to get up and leave the room. And I pray and read the bible until I sense it is gone. It's terrifying.

So last night, I prayed to God that he would protect me, that his angels would sleep beside me and that he would put me in a bubble of His love. I still had a bad dream, but the moment I woke up, I was only scared for one second. It was like fear poked me, then God grabbed me and said, "It's okay, go back to sleep." And I did!! God is amazing. And I don't put enough faith in Him. But I'm learning.

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