Keeping it real?

"I am finding out that maybe I was wrong.
That I've fallen down and I can't do this alone.
Stay with me."

Do you ever feel like the life you're living isn't... complete? Not even that - but that it's not all it's supposed to be. Or that maybe God has something... arg, I can't write it down in words. Like his plan is so much bigger than how I'm living my life right now.

I think I'm failing God. I'm not strong. I'm not perfect. I'm a screw up. And I have such a hard time turning around from my mistakes. I hate being wrong about things. I hate admitting that I am wrong. But here I am - and I hope someone reads this so they know I am a mess up.

And it's less about what I'm doing - it's what I'm not doing. But that's almost worse! If I'm a Christian, I'm part of the kingdom of Christ. I should be proud of my faith and represent my faith well in everything.

But it's getting so hard for me to speak out for God at university. It's scary to talk about my God and my beliefs with my friends.

And I'm so ashamed about this stupid fear - when I go and stand before God, do I really want there to be any feeling that at some point or another, I was too embarrassed to tell those He loves dearly about Him? For Him to tell me that I've represented him badly in any possible way?

No, I want to be carrying my cross daily - and I'm going to start making some very necessary changes to carry it like a daughter of Christ. He saved me (and as I like to say, is still saving me), and I owe Him everything. So watch out: I'm coming with my cross on my back. Old life behind, new life to come. And God will be holding my hand as I work towards fearlessly proclaiming the gospel, even if I've been a big old failure at it. I sure do need some prayer. Actually, scrap the some - I need a lot.

Here goes nothing!

On making life count.

There are so many things that make life worth living - and honestly, most are pretty darn simple. Here's my list (I just love lists!) of some of mine:

-Never-ending conversations with a good friend
-Finding the silver lining in every scenario
-Looking for the good in people, even when they're... well, nasty
-Laughing out loud in a movie theatre, even when no one else is
-Smiling at someone as you walk by and getting a smile in return
-Meeting a new friend
-Making muffins to procrastinate writing a paper. Not that I've ever done this...
-Wine and chocolate. Delicious.
-Having a "realization" about something
-Sharing a pot of tea with a friend
-Hugs
-Laughing at yourself, ha!
-telling stories
-listening to stories
-random compliments
-answered prayer

:) Happy Valentines Day everyone!

On What Matters Most

These past few days, I've been really assessing what matters most in my life. Is it my school work? Is it the campaigns and social justice groups I'm in? Is it anything at all to do with me?

Hmmm... (i'm literally assessing these questions as I sit here). I guess - no. Despite the fact that I live my life in such a way that I end up so involved that I barely have a minute to spare for friends, I actually think that it's better not to live like that. Well some might see getting involved and 'being active in the community' as a grand and noble venture, I often have to ask myself what is more important - a group movement towards building schools in a country far away, or ending a contract with a mass murderer of a corporation, or actually looking at the person next to you and saying "You are valuable to me. You are worth my time. You are important for who you are right now, at this moment." While the first is definitely important, I think the second is even moreso. In fact, I don't think the first is possible without the second - I wouldn't be doing everything I do without the encouragement of the people around me. I couldn't do it - I would just get depressed by failure after failure and give up.

But it's the relationships with the people closest to you, those moments where you get to see another person's heart and say "You are immensely precious," where you've truely made an impact. Direct connection is key.

Let's make our time purposeful, in more way than one.