Sunday, February 27, 2011

Keeping it real?

"I am finding out that maybe I was wrong.
That I've fallen down and I can't do this alone.
Stay with me."

Do you ever feel like the life you're living isn't... complete? Not even that - but that it's not all it's supposed to be. Or that maybe God has something... arg, I can't write it down in words. Like his plan is so much bigger than how I'm living my life right now.

I think I'm failing God. I'm not strong. I'm not perfect. I'm a screw up. And I have such a hard time turning around from my mistakes. I hate being wrong about things. I hate admitting that I am wrong. But here I am - and I hope someone reads this so they know I am a mess up.

And it's less about what I'm doing - it's what I'm not doing. But that's almost worse! If I'm a Christian, I'm part of the kingdom of Christ. I should be proud of my faith and represent my faith well in everything.

But it's getting so hard for me to speak out for God at university. It's scary to talk about my God and my beliefs with my friends.

And I'm so ashamed about this stupid fear - when I go and stand before God, do I really want there to be any feeling that at some point or another, I was too embarrassed to tell those He loves dearly about Him? For Him to tell me that I've represented him badly in any possible way?

No, I want to be carrying my cross daily - and I'm going to start making some very necessary changes to carry it like a daughter of Christ. He saved me (and as I like to say, is still saving me), and I owe Him everything. So watch out: I'm coming with my cross on my back. Old life behind, new life to come. And God will be holding my hand as I work towards fearlessly proclaiming the gospel, even if I've been a big old failure at it. I sure do need some prayer. Actually, scrap the some - I need a lot.

Here goes nothing!

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