Thursday, August 19, 2010

may my heart always be open to little

may my heart always be open to little
birds who are the secrets of living
whatever they sing is better than to know
and if men should not hear them men are old

may my mind stroll about hungry
and fearless and thirsty and supple
and even if it's sunday may i be wrong
for whenever men are right they are not young

and may myself do nothing usefully
and love yourself so more than truly
there's never been quite such a fool who could fail
pulling all the sky over him with one smile
--E. E. Cummings

Saturday, August 14, 2010

To the Unfailing Love of My Ever Present Father

I was walking down a path the other day, thinking about life as usual. I thought about love, and about how much I desired to be loved, to have the attention of this guy... well, that's enough details on those thoughts for now. Anyways, I just suddenly sighed and was like, "God, this is so silly. I should be pursuing you alone. Show me how you love me."

Suddenly, I was filled with this inexplicable, tear-wrenching feeling of warmth, tenderness, and love that left me gasping for air. The sun shone even brighter than I remember and the wind blew through my hair, and my eyes just started to water out of the immensity of the feelings that were pulsing through my body. Never before have I felt such an intense feeling of love, I felt... complete. As if God was holding me in his hand, I felt so small, but so safe and so accepted. I knew that I was not perfect, that I was weak and little and so undeserving, but that God saw me and loved me with an intensity for which there are no words. It was... awe some. And I mean it just like that. I was filled with awe at this ever so strange but incredible moment in time, where God actually looked at me and smiled... wow.

And here comes my second confession. I've been struggling with nightmares lately. I've been getting them all the time, almost every night and they really scare me. I wake up with this feeling of fear and that there is some kind of evil presence in the room. Sometimes, I have to get up and leave the room. And I pray and read the bible until I sense it is gone. It's terrifying.

So last night, I prayed to God that he would protect me, that his angels would sleep beside me and that he would put me in a bubble of His love. I still had a bad dream, but the moment I woke up, I was only scared for one second. It was like fear poked me, then God grabbed me and said, "It's okay, go back to sleep." And I did!! God is amazing. And I don't put enough faith in Him. But I'm learning.

Friday, August 6, 2010

To conquer fear

It's really difficult for me to show a guy that I like them. I often avoid eye contact for longer than 2 seconds, avoid touching them, avoid any kind of physical touch that might end up with us holding hands or kissing. Maybe this is my way of guarding my heart. But I think that it's a little bit more than that.

I am afraid of rejection, of being vulnerable, and most of all, of being unwanted. This fear rules my every action, or reaction, and also frustrates me to death. Why is it that I put up these defenses against something that has never harmed me before? And yet there's nothing else I'm more fearful of than being unwanted. For someone to say that they don't want me because I'm not good enough. So I make sure it doesn't happen. simple, right?

Well, what if I really do like someone? What if all I want to do is tell him how I feel and see if it's possible he feels the same? Yet, I have an overwhelming fear that he's going to tell me that he doesn't feel the same, and then I left with that feeling that in whatever way, I am not good enough. I am unwanted. I selfishly want him to do all the work, but how could he know how I'm feeling when I'm so practised at blocking him out from getting too close? All I want to do is say how I feel. yet i have this fear to conquer first, and all i can hope and pray is that i am given the confidence to overcome it. But I'd rather just let him take the first step.

A Mirror is Harder to Hold - Jon Foreman

You could stay a while longer
We could stay up and talk about last summer
We could go down to the water
Watch the sunset going under
It's not that I'm a stranger to lonely moments
I've had my share of those
Please don't go
Please don't leave me alone
A mirror is so much harder to hold

I could try and point the finger
But the glass points in my direction
Sure you've got your sharp edges
But my wounds are for my own reflection
You've got nothing I could ever hold against you
I've got fatal flaws to call my own
Please don't go
Please don't leave me alone
A mirror is so much harder to hold

I met a man who's looking for perfection
Said he'd never met a girl who's good enough
His eyes are getting old like they'd love to love again
Such a lonely man
Such a lonely man

I see him in my reflection
Taking steps towards me these days
So I hold you that much closer
And pray we don't throw this away
It's not that I'm a man who couldn't love you
I know what these arms are for
Please don't go
Please don't leave me alone
A mirror is so much harder to hold
A mirror is so much harder to hold
Please don't go
Please don't leave me cold
A mirror is so much harder to hold