Friday, August 6, 2010

To conquer fear

It's really difficult for me to show a guy that I like them. I often avoid eye contact for longer than 2 seconds, avoid touching them, avoid any kind of physical touch that might end up with us holding hands or kissing. Maybe this is my way of guarding my heart. But I think that it's a little bit more than that.

I am afraid of rejection, of being vulnerable, and most of all, of being unwanted. This fear rules my every action, or reaction, and also frustrates me to death. Why is it that I put up these defenses against something that has never harmed me before? And yet there's nothing else I'm more fearful of than being unwanted. For someone to say that they don't want me because I'm not good enough. So I make sure it doesn't happen. simple, right?

Well, what if I really do like someone? What if all I want to do is tell him how I feel and see if it's possible he feels the same? Yet, I have an overwhelming fear that he's going to tell me that he doesn't feel the same, and then I left with that feeling that in whatever way, I am not good enough. I am unwanted. I selfishly want him to do all the work, but how could he know how I'm feeling when I'm so practised at blocking him out from getting too close? All I want to do is say how I feel. yet i have this fear to conquer first, and all i can hope and pray is that i am given the confidence to overcome it. But I'd rather just let him take the first step.

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