"I am finding out that maybe I was wrong.
That I've fallen down and I can't do this alone.
Stay with me."
Do you ever feel like the life you're living isn't... complete? Not even that - but that it's not all it's supposed to be. Or that maybe God has something... arg, I can't write it down in words. Like his plan is so much bigger than how I'm living my life right now.
I think I'm failing God. I'm not strong. I'm not perfect. I'm a screw up. And I have such a hard time turning around from my mistakes. I hate being wrong about things. I hate admitting that I am wrong. But here I am - and I hope someone reads this so they know I am a mess up.
And it's less about what I'm doing - it's what I'm not doing. But that's almost worse! If I'm a Christian, I'm part of the kingdom of Christ. I should be proud of my faith and represent my faith well in everything.
But it's getting so hard for me to speak out for God at university. It's scary to talk about my God and my beliefs with my friends.
And I'm so ashamed about this stupid fear - when I go and stand before God, do I really want there to be any feeling that at some point or another, I was too embarrassed to tell those He loves dearly about Him? For Him to tell me that I've represented him badly in any possible way?
No, I want to be carrying my cross daily - and I'm going to start making some very necessary changes to carry it like a daughter of Christ. He saved me (and as I like to say, is still saving me), and I owe Him everything. So watch out: I'm coming with my cross on my back. Old life behind, new life to come. And God will be holding my hand as I work towards fearlessly proclaiming the gospel, even if I've been a big old failure at it. I sure do need some prayer. Actually, scrap the some - I need a lot.
Here goes nothing!
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
On making life count.
There are so many things that make life worth living - and honestly, most are pretty darn simple. Here's my list (I just love lists!) of some of mine:
-Never-ending conversations with a good friend
-Finding the silver lining in every scenario
-Looking for the good in people, even when they're... well, nasty
-Laughing out loud in a movie theatre, even when no one else is
-Smiling at someone as you walk by and getting a smile in return
-Meeting a new friend
-Making muffins to procrastinate writing a paper. Not that I've ever done this...
-Wine and chocolate. Delicious.
-Having a "realization" about something
-Sharing a pot of tea with a friend
-Hugs
-Laughing at yourself, ha!
-telling stories
-listening to stories
-random compliments
-answered prayer
:) Happy Valentines Day everyone!
-Never-ending conversations with a good friend
-Finding the silver lining in every scenario
-Looking for the good in people, even when they're... well, nasty
-Laughing out loud in a movie theatre, even when no one else is
-Smiling at someone as you walk by and getting a smile in return
-Meeting a new friend
-Making muffins to procrastinate writing a paper. Not that I've ever done this...
-Wine and chocolate. Delicious.
-Having a "realization" about something
-Sharing a pot of tea with a friend
-Hugs
-Laughing at yourself, ha!
-telling stories
-listening to stories
-random compliments
-answered prayer
:) Happy Valentines Day everyone!
Friday, February 4, 2011
On What Matters Most
These past few days, I've been really assessing what matters most in my life. Is it my school work? Is it the campaigns and social justice groups I'm in? Is it anything at all to do with me?
Hmmm... (i'm literally assessing these questions as I sit here). I guess - no. Despite the fact that I live my life in such a way that I end up so involved that I barely have a minute to spare for friends, I actually think that it's better not to live like that. Well some might see getting involved and 'being active in the community' as a grand and noble venture, I often have to ask myself what is more important - a group movement towards building schools in a country far away, or ending a contract with a mass murderer of a corporation, or actually looking at the person next to you and saying "You are valuable to me. You are worth my time. You are important for who you are right now, at this moment." While the first is definitely important, I think the second is even moreso. In fact, I don't think the first is possible without the second - I wouldn't be doing everything I do without the encouragement of the people around me. I couldn't do it - I would just get depressed by failure after failure and give up.
But it's the relationships with the people closest to you, those moments where you get to see another person's heart and say "You are immensely precious," where you've truely made an impact. Direct connection is key.
Let's make our time purposeful, in more way than one.
Hmmm... (i'm literally assessing these questions as I sit here). I guess - no. Despite the fact that I live my life in such a way that I end up so involved that I barely have a minute to spare for friends, I actually think that it's better not to live like that. Well some might see getting involved and 'being active in the community' as a grand and noble venture, I often have to ask myself what is more important - a group movement towards building schools in a country far away, or ending a contract with a mass murderer of a corporation, or actually looking at the person next to you and saying "You are valuable to me. You are worth my time. You are important for who you are right now, at this moment." While the first is definitely important, I think the second is even moreso. In fact, I don't think the first is possible without the second - I wouldn't be doing everything I do without the encouragement of the people around me. I couldn't do it - I would just get depressed by failure after failure and give up.
But it's the relationships with the people closest to you, those moments where you get to see another person's heart and say "You are immensely precious," where you've truely made an impact. Direct connection is key.
Let's make our time purposeful, in more way than one.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
On Civilization
I was thinking the other day about the word "civilization." It has this kind of grandeur, this connotation of advancement and intelligence.
And then I was thinking about all the great civilizations, of Greece, of Rome, of the Mayans, Aztecs, Chinese empire, of the Egyptians. Of Britain, the U.S. And it occurred to me.
What's so civil about civilization?
All of those so-called civilizations are founded upon a premise of power. Of warfare, weaponry, and the ability to kill and oppress those weaker than you. I guess... well, it doesn't seem all that civil to me.
And so now I'm thinking, is this really civilization? Is what we are living in right now really the best we can get? And if so, I think I'd rather live a backward life than in a "civilized" life. At least then, I wouldn't be contributing to the problems that I see around me, that I study, every day.
We call ourselves 'civil' because we think we're smart. Well, tell me this - when did risking the survival of every species on Earth through climate change get considered to be smart? When did creating a weapon that could blow entire provinces to smithereens get considered smart? When did selfish, independent pursuit of money get considered smart?
Ew. I feel like having a shower. Those things are just... well, uncivilized!
At the end of your life, when you're on your dying bed, and someone asks you why life was valuable to you, what are you going to say? That you owned the nicest car, that you made the most money, that you killed a few soldiers in war? NO! Of course not! You're going to tell them that you loved, that you made the most out of the relationships you had, that the time you spent on Earth was to make a difference. Or, at least, that's what I hope to say.
There's certainly got to be something that "civilization" is missing. Of course, maybe civilization should simply not be considered "civil"ization at all. It's just... well, it's just what it is.
And then I was thinking about all the great civilizations, of Greece, of Rome, of the Mayans, Aztecs, Chinese empire, of the Egyptians. Of Britain, the U.S. And it occurred to me.
What's so civil about civilization?
All of those so-called civilizations are founded upon a premise of power. Of warfare, weaponry, and the ability to kill and oppress those weaker than you. I guess... well, it doesn't seem all that civil to me.
And so now I'm thinking, is this really civilization? Is what we are living in right now really the best we can get? And if so, I think I'd rather live a backward life than in a "civilized" life. At least then, I wouldn't be contributing to the problems that I see around me, that I study, every day.
We call ourselves 'civil' because we think we're smart. Well, tell me this - when did risking the survival of every species on Earth through climate change get considered to be smart? When did creating a weapon that could blow entire provinces to smithereens get considered smart? When did selfish, independent pursuit of money get considered smart?
Ew. I feel like having a shower. Those things are just... well, uncivilized!
At the end of your life, when you're on your dying bed, and someone asks you why life was valuable to you, what are you going to say? That you owned the nicest car, that you made the most money, that you killed a few soldiers in war? NO! Of course not! You're going to tell them that you loved, that you made the most out of the relationships you had, that the time you spent on Earth was to make a difference. Or, at least, that's what I hope to say.
There's certainly got to be something that "civilization" is missing. Of course, maybe civilization should simply not be considered "civil"ization at all. It's just... well, it's just what it is.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
On Recognizing our Stupidity
I've been thinking about how very useless everything I'm learning is. Which is just great, considering I'm in my third year of my degree. Yep. Just lovely.
International Relations is this lovely little bubble of criticism and analysis. And as was so kindly iterated to me, it is the only subject where people "study places they've never been and people they've never met." And you know what?! HE'S RIGHT! I am just some stupid over-critical individual who is analyzing an entire country and an entire people without ever having visited the country myself or met the people face-to-face, let alone even through some illegitimate social networking site.
Who am I to say that such and such would be a good idea, or that so and so is a crazy baboon for having done this or that? WHO AM I? NO ONE. That's who. And I certainly hope that thought remains with me - only through humility and a realization of my stupidity can I possibly do anything. If I actually want to help those unknown people in that unknown place, I will most certainly not be doing it by writing an 80-page paper, nor will I do it by bringing my own ideas to a place I've never even been.
Anywho, this mind set - the one where the West is like "we're so much richer, we have no civil conflict, we're employed, blah-blibbity-blah-blah-blah" - is totally STUPID. And that's why the IMF, the World Bank, the aid agencies, the NGOs, etc., etc. are all screw-ups, and why all these IR criticism exist.
As good old Soloman said, Pride comes before a fall. Let's never forget to recognize our own stupidity.
International Relations is this lovely little bubble of criticism and analysis. And as was so kindly iterated to me, it is the only subject where people "study places they've never been and people they've never met." And you know what?! HE'S RIGHT! I am just some stupid over-critical individual who is analyzing an entire country and an entire people without ever having visited the country myself or met the people face-to-face, let alone even through some illegitimate social networking site.
Who am I to say that such and such would be a good idea, or that so and so is a crazy baboon for having done this or that? WHO AM I? NO ONE. That's who. And I certainly hope that thought remains with me - only through humility and a realization of my stupidity can I possibly do anything. If I actually want to help those unknown people in that unknown place, I will most certainly not be doing it by writing an 80-page paper, nor will I do it by bringing my own ideas to a place I've never even been.
Anywho, this mind set - the one where the West is like "we're so much richer, we have no civil conflict, we're employed, blah-blibbity-blah-blah-blah" - is totally STUPID. And that's why the IMF, the World Bank, the aid agencies, the NGOs, etc., etc. are all screw-ups, and why all these IR criticism exist.
As good old Soloman said, Pride comes before a fall. Let's never forget to recognize our own stupidity.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
On discovering oneself
I think there are periods in one's life when you change. Something about the way you see the world is tweaked ever so slightly, something about your faith in humanity, something about the way you see yourself. And it causes you to change.
It's during these periods of change, however, that life seems the hardest. Because whilst you are trying to figure out who you are and how this discovery is changing you, you also have to go on with your life, simultaneously trying to seem like the same person as before. Of course, maybe that's simply because you are. But you're not quite the same you as you were.
It's strange how people change. How certain contexts bring out certain things in people. Of course, it's good at the same time, as it brings out those parts of people that you perhaps never thought existed. Sometimes for the good, sometimes for the bad.
What a thing change is. The human race is so resistant to it. We push against it so hard, even if it's for our best. Even if it makes us ten times the person we were before. And yet, at the time, it's the scariest thing in the universe. It's the unknown. We like having everything in front of us. To know exactly what we are doing in the next five minutes, in the next hour, in the next day, in the next year. We're always planning, but when something comes flying in and lands in front of us, we freak out cause it doesn't follow the master plan.
I guess that the most a person can do is simply trust God. Because I have a feeling he knew this would happen, and he knows how to work it out all for our good. So whilst change is rough, especially in rediscovering oneself, I think the best we can do is wait it out, accept that such changes have happened, and move on. God has a plan, and he'll work it out. We've simply got to have some faith and trust that he knows best.
It's during these periods of change, however, that life seems the hardest. Because whilst you are trying to figure out who you are and how this discovery is changing you, you also have to go on with your life, simultaneously trying to seem like the same person as before. Of course, maybe that's simply because you are. But you're not quite the same you as you were.
It's strange how people change. How certain contexts bring out certain things in people. Of course, it's good at the same time, as it brings out those parts of people that you perhaps never thought existed. Sometimes for the good, sometimes for the bad.
What a thing change is. The human race is so resistant to it. We push against it so hard, even if it's for our best. Even if it makes us ten times the person we were before. And yet, at the time, it's the scariest thing in the universe. It's the unknown. We like having everything in front of us. To know exactly what we are doing in the next five minutes, in the next hour, in the next day, in the next year. We're always planning, but when something comes flying in and lands in front of us, we freak out cause it doesn't follow the master plan.
I guess that the most a person can do is simply trust God. Because I have a feeling he knew this would happen, and he knows how to work it out all for our good. So whilst change is rough, especially in rediscovering oneself, I think the best we can do is wait it out, accept that such changes have happened, and move on. God has a plan, and he'll work it out. We've simply got to have some faith and trust that he knows best.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
On Thinking Before Speaking
I've realized something about myself that I need to fix asap.
I speak before I think fully about what I'm saying. You see, I often have these enormous dreams and ambitions and hopes, etc., etc. and I'm like, bang! I want to do this, and I'm going to! but then I rethink what I've just said, or that particular ambition, and see the flaws. But at that point, I've already mentioned it to people, and it's just a tad embarassing, because they just roll their eyes at me and are like, "Silly Rachel. You are just a tad bit crazy. But ambitious." And then I sigh.
What I really really need to work on is simply breathing. In, and slowly out. Huuuuhhhh, Whoooooooo.... Lovely. Perhaps a few seconds of delayed response would be good in my case. Whether or not it looks like I take a long time to process things, I would a least look a bit more intelligent than when I spit something out without fully considering the implications.
Alas, my big mouth is more likely to get me into trouble than anything else. Decisions are just so difficult to make when it comes to big life choices. I suppose that in my consideration of every possible option, that I go a bit overboard and am like, "bam! I'm going to Uganda!" without considering the fact that I still need to pay for university, my sister's wedding is in a few months, and my research will be read by two people - me and my supervisor. Wo hoo.
Perhaps this can be my third New Year's Resolution - to think before I speak. And maybe think for a really long time. But, in the end, a delayed, wise answer that is delayed is better than a quick, stupid one.
I speak before I think fully about what I'm saying. You see, I often have these enormous dreams and ambitions and hopes, etc., etc. and I'm like, bang! I want to do this, and I'm going to! but then I rethink what I've just said, or that particular ambition, and see the flaws. But at that point, I've already mentioned it to people, and it's just a tad embarassing, because they just roll their eyes at me and are like, "Silly Rachel. You are just a tad bit crazy. But ambitious." And then I sigh.
What I really really need to work on is simply breathing. In, and slowly out. Huuuuhhhh, Whoooooooo.... Lovely. Perhaps a few seconds of delayed response would be good in my case. Whether or not it looks like I take a long time to process things, I would a least look a bit more intelligent than when I spit something out without fully considering the implications.
Alas, my big mouth is more likely to get me into trouble than anything else. Decisions are just so difficult to make when it comes to big life choices. I suppose that in my consideration of every possible option, that I go a bit overboard and am like, "bam! I'm going to Uganda!" without considering the fact that I still need to pay for university, my sister's wedding is in a few months, and my research will be read by two people - me and my supervisor. Wo hoo.
Perhaps this can be my third New Year's Resolution - to think before I speak. And maybe think for a really long time. But, in the end, a delayed, wise answer that is delayed is better than a quick, stupid one.
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