Sunday, March 24, 2013

Learning humility

It's 1 a.m. and here I am, writing a blog. I should laugh at myself for being here instead of sleeping.

Alas, I have chosen to write my few words so that I can remember them later. Hopefully, I actually do.

I've been thinking long and hard about humility and pride lately. Moreorless, I am a terribly selfish and prideful person. And I'm beginning to realize it each and every day I live my life.

And I wonder what it means to truly live in humility, because I kind of hate how it feels to be living like this.

You see, I spend so much time complaining. And yes, there are a lot of very stressful things going on right now. My life is so jam-packed that I am literally getting sick from the stress. I have never-ending assignments that boggle my mind so much that I don't even think about them to avoid having a mental break-down. And I have no job this summer, even though that means I will not graduate from school next year if I don't have one. I feel increasingly distant from my friends, and I wonder whether my family worries about the fact I barely call them except to cry or complain about the state of my stress.

And yet, in all of this, there is still so much to be happy for. I am in a master program. I am meeting cool people all of the time. I have food. I have a warm bed. I do, in fact, have friends, and am making more. I have everything I need. Actually, I have more than I need, and I should be sharing it. I have a beautiful family, and I mean beautiful in soul and in heart, I have a church family that is loving and forgiving and kind, I have people around me who care about me for who I am, not what I've done. And that's pretty awesome.

And I think this is my lesson in humility. Because when I focus on the problems in my life, then I forget about all the really wonderful things that are also going on. It's so easy to think constantly about ME, about my own problems, and get so overwhelmed that we then forget to pour into the people around us. And if I'm not doing that, if I'm not consciously dying to myself everyday, then I'm not living for Jesus anymore. I'm just living for me.

And that's not good enough.

There really is nothing worth living for apart from Christ and the blessing to share the love and truth of His kingdom with the world. Everything I've done, everything I might one day do, they're all trash. They're all meaningless - I'm not going to care about them at the end of my life. I'll care about my friends, about my family, about whether I loved people enough, about the effort I put into my friendships, about the care I gave the vulnerable, the depressed, the stressed, the broken-hearted.

So here I am.

Admitting to you that I am a screwed up, recovering sinner - as Shane Claiborne says - and I am making the journey alongside the Church to meet Jesus. And I will try my hardest to love you. I will try to forget my momentary troubles and press on towards the goal of what calls me heavenward. And I will remember that I am not alone in my struggles, and share the load.

Well... I'm working on it.

The first test of a truly great man is his humility. By humility I don't mean doubt of his powers or hesitation in speaking his opinion, but merely an understanding of the relationship of what he can say and what he can do. - John Ruskin

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