The Dreams that Greet You

Last night, I had this dream that seemed to symbolize something for me. I don't really know why God wants me to know this, but perhaps, it has some meaning for me that I'll need in the next little while, or perhaps, that someone reading this needs.

The cottage that my grandpa (recently deceased) and his wife, Fern, lived in for most my life, was recently sold to new cottagers, who then proceeded to tear down the entire home and start rebuilding again. It was a bit of a sore spot, as my grandpa had put so much sweat and work into that house, making it the perfect place for him and Fern.

Anyways, last night, I dreamed that my family was walking along the property of the old cottage that was still in place. There was a little girl with us that was somehow related to my family. I was also the only one who could see the ghost of my grandfather walking with us, and he looked sad. It wasn't scary for me, he didn't even really look at me. He was just walking with us, as if he just wanted to be with the family while we were there.

Anyways, everyone was commenting on how much they were going to miss this cottage, and how much work grandpa had put into it. The little girl ran off towards the dock and the lake, and I chased her and whisked her up into my arms and she laughed. And then I asked her if she thought she would miss the cottage, to which she replied, "Um, no. I don't really know it very well, so I don't think I'll miss it." Which I thought was fair - she was only a few years old.

And then we walked back up towards the house. And there in the house we commented on how beautiful everything was. My brother and I walked over to a new spot of the house, and there was a second floor (which never actually existed in real life). I was curious and said I never remembered that part of the house, and my brother didn't either, so he walked up the steps. I noticed he looked really startled and ran back down the steps. And then, behind him, came a much younger version of my grandfather, walking down the steps in his housecoat. And he sat down at a dinnertable with my family. I sat in the corner with the ghost of my grandfather, who still looked sad, while the rest of my family stared in shock at this man who was my younger grandfather in the flesh. And then my mother started crying.

And I woke up.

There's a number of things that I think I can get from this dream. There's the fact that we were all so focused on the house, this material object, that seemed to actually BE my grandfather. But it wasn't - my grandfather was actually walking with us. And while we certainly have very real memories there, they are the past - as seen in my 'younger grandfather.' The little girl also showed that part of things - she didn't have memories there, and she didn't associate the cottage with anything. It was just the cottage.

What matters is the people in your life. The little girl, who I loved so much in the dream, meant the world to me. My grandfather, who we always commented on how much work he put into his house, but not into his family. And I think that's why he was so sad - and why he wanted to walk beside us while we were there. He loved us so much, but he was sad that all we talked about was how much work he put into a thing, a house. A house without people is only a building, not a home.

And so, I think very much, that it is important for us to make that distinction - we need to treasure the people in our lives, the relationships around us, more than we value the objects and the things that we have. Because, in all honesty, it is not the objects that stay in our memories, but the people that made those objects have some kind of value.

Sweet dreams everyone.

The Father's Love

It amazes me how, in the times when I feel the most distant, often purposely, from Jesus, how he chases after me as soon as I call out for help. Not only that, but he dusts me off, gives me a slap in the face, and says, "Get your act together girl. You ain't going anywhere if you keep treading down the same line you are. mmmmmmmhm." Or something like that. By the way, I could totally see God saying that.

God has, amazingly, in the span of... not even two months, brought to the surface, and then subsequently solved, about three major issues in my life. So much so, that I've decided to rededicate my life to him, because I realized how out of line my life was with everything Jesus had planned for me. I was, without even really thinking about it, chasing after what the world had planned for me, whilst God was calling me to the narrow gate, to live counter-culturally. To be a citizen of Christ's kingdom on Earth. Which I totally wasn't doing. So, first, I ended a non-Christ-centered relationship. Second, I have given up all alcohol, except for wine with dinner (and that's a rarity), and third, he spoke through someone I had just met to solve a complicated friend problem. It was, literally, exactly what I needed to hear, coming through the mouth of someone I had known for all of a few hours, and she had no idea that she was telling me what God wanted me to know. It was mind-blowing. And THEN, I had this amazing conversation with a friend, after she'd just prayed that God would allow us to talk about whatever he needed us to talk about, and we talked about something I had literally blocked out of my mind because of how much it had hurt me. I'd forgotten about it - and then suddenly, here I was. Talking to my friend about this part of my past that I never wanted to deal with. And soon I was in tears, crying about something I had no intention of telling anyone at all. ever. Blahhhhh. So this is now step number 4 - to deal with this particular part of my past in whatever way I can right now.

So all this to say, God's really doing a number on me. It's refreshing, but talk about a roller coaster. It's like, I'm on the ride right now and screaming my head off, feeling sick, but at the end, I'm going to be like, "... let's do it again!"

All I can think of is that song, "How Deep the Father's Love For Us." It seems to embody exactly how God is guiding me right now, as a dad would his daughter. And I'm just taking it in strides. I'm ready to see what's in store!

Letting go...

It's hard to let go of something, or someone, that you love. Like the teddy bear that you've snuggled with so many times that all the stitches that make up his smile have fallen apart and are mere threads sticking up from teddy's face in all different directions. You've put a lot of love into that little bear.

but I guess, we all have to move on, at some point or another. Whether it be getting married and eventually sticking teddy in the closet, or on a nearby dresser. Or letting a child move out to University and make her or his own decisions. Or whether it be distancing yourself a bit from a close friendship so that he or she can move on to a new, more intimate, relationship. All are difficult. And you never really feel ready to let go.

I guess what needs to happen is for you to realize that, occasionally, loving someone is letting them go. And while it may be difficult, and I'll admit that I have cried trying to do it, it's often also freeing, in a sense. Freeing you to give the unknown into God's hands, and say, "Hey, I have this void now and I'm feeling kind of lost. Please fill it for me." And then letting him do his great handiwork.

And surprise! Something much better comes along. And takes your breath away. :)

Conflict

Found this beautiful quotation in my research. Love it.

"To be who we are - creators in the image of the Creator - we must be actively engaged in the setting free of every other person to be who she or he is intended: someone different from who we are, someone who will see the world from another perspective, someone who will not agree with us. Anything short of such liberation is suppressive and destructive and ultimately death producing...

Conflict is not just inevitable, as we are prone to say wisely and with a sigh of resignation. Instead it is part of the divine plan, a gift. Disruption is integral to God's order. Conflict sometimes provides us with energy, insight, and new possibility as reluctant by-products; newness cannot come without conflict. It is not a price to be paid and endured, but a condition to be sought and welcomed and nurtured...

To manage conflict then would be to allow it, not to suppress it; to open our doors and windows to its fresh wind. Following this line of thought to its ultimate conclusion, violence and war become not conflict run amuck, conflict out of all bounds, but the final outcome of conflict quelled. They result when we will not allow the other to be different, when we deny our life-giving dependence on the different one with all our might and means." - Caroline Westerhoff

Sigh No More, Mumford and Sons

I thought this was really beautiful and wanted to share:

"Serve God, love me and mend
This is not the end
Lived unbruised, we are friends
And I'm sorry
I'm sorry

Sigh no more, no more
One foot in sea and one on shore
My heart was never pure
And you know me
You know me

But man is a giddy thing

Love it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be
There is a design, an alignment, a cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be "

To my instinctive, and yet, completely irrational self

So today the garbage truck came early. And that's when things got messy. It goes without saying I was still in my pjs and my hair was as frizzy as could be. Nonetheless, I decided that the garbage and compost needed to go out, and figuring that I wouldn't know anyone on the street walking by, or wouldn't really care, except for this one guy that I have a secret crush on, I figured my odds were good. I hopped out the door with my radiant blue pants on, brown boots with holes in them, and a mighty winter jacket to hide the fact that I was not wearing a bra, and made my way towards the sidewalk.

I looked both ways down the street just to make sure that there was no one there. first side, clear. phew. By this point, i'm almost at the end of the driveway. Unfortunately, when I looked the other way, that one guy that I have a little crush on is walking towards me.

Horrified, I dropped the garbage and compost where I was standing and literally ran back down the driveway and dashed into the house in record time. I then continue my hilarity by looking out the window to see if he noticed. Looks like I'm safe. Of course, those brillant blue pants with the word "CANDY" written across my bum are hard to miss.

Oh sigh. I think it would have been better to run away facing forwards.

Feeling Kind of Lonely

Funny how there can be people all around me, how these people can be the kindest and sweetest people ever - how they can have the biggest smiles and greatest laughs, and yet I can still feel alone.

I think I need a hug and someone who will let me use their shoulder as a towel for my tears. I don't feel like I've had quite the sense of closure I needed after my grandfather's death. It's very easy for me to hide any of my sadness or sorrow behind a mask of cheerfulness, something that I'm pretty darn good at doing. I'm good at hiding sad things with laughter and a smile. But inside, I'm still not healed - or I'm not sure if I really want to deal with it yet.

I sure could use a hug right about now.